Kirk Lazarus: Action Jackson can't cry, that's what's going down.Tugg Speedman: You know what Kirk, I'm ready to do the scene!
Kirk Lazarus: Now it's time to flip the script! I'm gonna have to wait till Chinese New Year for my man to cry.
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Les Grossman: What you gotta do is pull down their pants and spank their ass, you spank it.
Studio Executive Rob Slolom: You spank that ass Les!
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Alpa Chino: [watching Tugg reenact Simple Jack] Damn. And I thought the movie was bad.
Kirk Lazarus: Well to give the man credit, he has eased up on the retard a bit.
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Les Grossman: Look, f**kstick, I'm incredibly busy. So why don't you get the hell out of here before I snap your d**k off and jam it into your ass...
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Les Grossman: C**kburn, from now on my fist is going to be so far up your s**thole that every time you have a thought, it's gonna have to tiptoe past my wedding ring...
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Tugg Speedman: Now, let's go get those Viet Congs.
[cocks his gun]
Alpa Chino: "Viet Cong!"
Tugg Speedman: What?
Alpa Chino: It's "viet cong." There's no "s," it's already plural. You wouldn't say "Chineses..."
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Jeff Portnoy: So, what's the plan, man? You gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?
Kirk Lazarus: No, no. Mandarin Chinese. What I can tell, it's what they're speaking down there.
Jeff Portnoy: How the hell do you know Chinese?
Kirk Lazarus: Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li. Second Globe, third Oscar. I prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Les Grossman: Now I want you to take a step back... and literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! I don't know what kind of bulls**t you're trying to pull here, but Asian Jack is my territory and if you're thinking otherwise, you've better to think again! Otherwise I'm gonna have to head out there and I will bring a Godly f**king fire upon you! I'm talking about a scorched earth, motherf**ker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Kirk Lazarus: Stop tailgatin' me ya pasty teabag! Can I make a peepee?
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Kirk Lazarus: [Alpa reveals he is gay] It's Hollywood, man! Everyone turns gay at some point!
Alpa Chino: I'm not gay! I love tha p***y!
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Total Quotes: 41
