Alan Garner: Can I ask you another question?Lisa: Sure.
Alan Garner: You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesar's Palace is it?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: Did, umm... did Caesar live here?
Lisa: No.
Alan Garner: I didn't think so.
• Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Alan Garner: Oh, you know what? Next week's no good for me... The Jonas Brothers are in town. But any week after that, it's totally fine.
• Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Stu Price: [singing passionately] What do tigers dream of when they take their little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Don't you worry your pretty striped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed. And then we're gonna find our best friend Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug, oh, Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug! But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers, well then we're s**t out of luck.
• Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Stu Price: What do tigers dream of when they take a little tiger snooze? Do they dream of mauling zebras or Halle Berry in her cat woman suit.
• Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Alan Garner: Counting cards isn't illegal. It's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane... Maybe since 9/11 when everyone got so damn sensitive. Thanks a lot Bin Laden!
• Rating: 9.6 / 10 • Permalink
Stu Price: He was a bartender, and he didn't even come inside her.
Phil Wenneck: And you believe that?
Stu Price: Uh yeah, because she's grossed out by semen!
• Rating: 8.0 / 10 • Permalink
Phil Wenneck: Tracy, it's Phil.
Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are you guys?
Phil Wenneck: We lost Doug.
Tracy Garner: What? We're getting married in five hours.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah... that's not gonna happen.
• Rating: 7.0 / 10 • Permalink
Alan Garner: Hey what's that on your arm?
Stu Price: Oh my God - Phil, you were in the hospital last night.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah, I guess I was.
Alan Garner: Are you okay?
• Rating: 2.0 / 10 • Permalink
Alan Garner: Who's baby is that?
Phil Wenneck: We'll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price: We're not gonna leave a baby in the room. There's a tiger in the bathroom!
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Alan Garner: [while picking up a friend at the school where he works] Did you have to park this close?
Doug Billings: Yeah, why?
Alan Garner: I just... I can't be here.
Doug Billings: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a church... or a Chuckeee Cheeze.
• Rating: Unrated • Permalink
Total Quotes: 35
