The 40 Year Old Virgin Quotes (Page 3)
Cal: You've gotta wait till the seed grows into a plant. Then you've gotta f**k the plant. • Rating: 9.8 / 10 • Permalink
Andy Stitzer: She had hands as big as Andre the Giant's, and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls.
• Rating: 9.7 / 10 • Permalink
Jill: Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?
Jay: My girlfriend Jill found your speed dating card...
Andy Stitzer: OOhhh... yeah... right, god I've been looking for that speed dating card, thank you so much for bringing it to me.
Jill: So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?
Andy Stitzer: Ummhmm... yeah..."hurtin' for a squirtin'", yeah i wrote that.
Jill: Oh, so you wrote, "hoe fo sho'".
Andy Stitzer: Yeah, I remember that girl, she was a hoe... for sho'
• Rating: 9.7 / 10 • Permalink
Cal: [David and Cal Playing a video Game] You're *gay* now?
David: No, I'm not gay I'm just celibate.
Cal: I think? I mean, that sounds ga- I just want you to know this is like the first conversation of like three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like... there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh you know, I kinda wanna, ya know, get back out there but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm I'm a g-gay guy now".
David: You're gay for saying that.
Cal: I'm gay for saying that?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal: You know how I know *you're* gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
Cal: How? Cuz you're gay? and you can tell who other gay people are.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How?
David: You like Coldplay.
• Rating: 9.6 / 10 • Permalink
Cal: [talking about Trish being a grandma] You should f**k her and then have her send you $12 on your birthday.
• Rating: 9.2 / 10 • Permalink
[about Andy telling Trish he's a virgin]
Andy Stitzer: What if she laughs at me?
Cal: Then you punch her in the f**king head.
• Rating: 9.2 / 10 • Permalink
Jay: [to Andy, in a bar] All you got to do is use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's a code written in his DNA, says, "tackle the gazelle." And believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says, "tackle drunk bitches."
• Rating: 9.0 / 10 • Permalink
Health Clinic Counselor: Oral sex play...
Boy at Health Clinic: Sounds like my Friday night.
Dad at Health Clinic: Oh, shut up Seth, we went to temple.
• Rating: 9.0 / 10 • Permalink
Cal: [Pointing to an action figure on a shelf] Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?
Andy Stitzer: That's Oscar Goldman.
Cal: Why do you have that?
Andy Stitzer: That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
• Rating: 8.0 / 10 • Permalink
Andy Stitzer: [Watching Beth masturbate in the tub] Wow. This is graphic.
• Rating: 8.0 / 10 • Permalink
Total Quotes: 40