Graham Hess: We're going to board up every window in this house.Merrill: How do you know boards will do anything?
Graham Hess: Because they seem to have trouble with pantry doors.
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Graham Hess: My vote counts as two.
Morgan: That's bulls**t. You're cheating.
Graham Hess: Morgan, calm down.
Morgan: We don't know anything yet...
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Mr. Nathan: It's a bunch of crock. They're trying to sell sodas. I've been watching all morning, and I've seen 12 soda commercials. 12.
Morgan: Do you have any books on extraterrestrials?
Mr. Nathan: Don't tell me you believe this horse manure.
Mrs. Nathan: As a matter of fact, I think we do...
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Merrill: Excluding the possibility that a female Scandinavian Olympian was running around outside our house last night, what else might be a possibility?
Officer Caroline: I'm not done asking questions. And I don't appreciate sarcasm.
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Graham Hess: The police are here. I am with them. I am a police officer. I just want to talk with you. We know all about the hoax. We already took some of your friends downtown in a paddy wagon. Just tell us your name and why you did it, and we'll give you the same deal we gave the others. Don't throw your life away, son.
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Morgan: They said there are one of two outcomes of an invasion. One: they fight, and are defeated, and have to return again with full forces hundreds or even thousands of years later.
Graham Hess: What's two?
Morgan: They win.
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Caroline: Old Mrs. Kendleman twisted her ankle, as she puts it, diving for her life when a bunch of school kids rode down the sidewalk on skateboards. She went down to Thornton's store this morning and started spitting on the new skateboards. Spitting! By the time I got there, Mrs. Kendlemen had sprayed the whole damn place. And she must have had a cold or something. I'm telling you, I won't eat for a week. So, what happened to your crops?
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SFC Cunningham: You didn't used to play baseball did ya? Shit, I know you. You're Merrill Hess! I was there the day you hit that 507-footer over the left field wall, set the record. Man, that thing had a motor on it. It's still the record right?
Merrill: Got the bat at home on the wall.
SFC Cunningham: You've got two minor league home-run records, don't ya?
Merrill: Five.
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SFC Cunningham: Why weren't you in the pros making stacks of cash and getting your toes licked by beautiful women?
Lionel Prichard: 'Cause he has another record most people don't know about. He has the minor league strikeout record.
Merrill: Hello Lionel.
Lionel Prichard: Merrill's a class-A screw up. He would just swing that bat as hard as he could every time. Didn't matter what the coaches said, didn't matter who was on base. He would just whip that bat through the air as hard as he could. Looked like a lumberjack chopping down a tree. Merrill here has more strikeouts than any two players.
SFC Cunningham: You really got the strikeout record?
Merrill: Felt wrong not to swing.
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Morgan: If you're gonna make fun of it, then forget it.
Bo: This is serious.
Graham Hess: I don't know what got into me.
Morgan: There are pictures. Dr. Bimbu, one of the authors of the book...
Graham Hess: Bimbu?
Morgan: Dad!
Graham Hess: I just asked his name.
Morgan: You had a tone.
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Total Quotes: 63
