T.S. Quint: [Reading the break-up letter that Renee gave Brodie] Woah, she calls you "callow" in here.
Brodie: You say that like it's bad.
T.S. Quint: It means frightened and weak-willed.
Brodie: Really? Shit. That was the only part of the letter I thought was complimentary.
 • Movie: Mallrats • Rating: Unrated • Permalink

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T.S. Quint: [to Jay and Silent Bob] You two up for getting stoned?
Jay: Look who you're asking!
 • Movie: Mallrats • Rating: Unrated • Permalink

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Jay: You're f**king kidding me! The Easter bunny did this?
Brodie: All I said was that the Easter bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing and he just jumped the railing and knocked me down.
Jay: He's f**king dead!
Brodie: Oh let it go, he's under a lot of pressure.
[T.S. and Gwen approach them]
T.S. Quint: What the hell happened?
Jay: The guy in the Easter bunny suit kicked his ass.
Brodie: I had it coming.
Jay: [to Silent Bob] F**k all that s**t. Come on, Silent Bob.
[Jay and Silent Bob leave]
T.S. Quint: What really happened?
Brodie: The proprietor of Fashionable Male beat a raincheck into my stomach.
Gwen: Shannon Hamilton?
T.S. Quint: You know that guy?
Gwen: I went out with him once after we dated. He tried to screw me some place very uncomfortable.
T.S. Quint: What? Like the back of a Volkswagen?
Brodie: Sounds like his M.O.
 • Movie: Mallrats • Rating: Unrated • Permalink

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Brodie: Come on, this is the dirt mall. Cops don't come here.
T.S. Quint: Neither does any self-respecting consumer.
 • Movie: Mallrats • Rating: Unrated • Permalink

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[Silent Bob is trying to levitate a cigarette]
T.S. Quint: What's he doing?
Jay: Shithead here watched Empire and Jedi last week and ever since then, he's been trying to do the Jedi mind trick. The crazy f**k thinks he can levitate s**t with his thoughts.
[slaps the cigarette out of Silent Bob's hand]
Jay: Knock it off.
Brodie: [to Silent Bob] The force is strong with this one.
Jay: Dude, don't encourage him.
 • Movie: Mallrats • Rating: Unrated • Permalink

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T.S. Quint: I was going to propose to her.
Brodie: Where?
T.S. Quint: The Universal Tour.
Brodie: You're kidding. What part?
T.S. Quint: When Jaws popped out of the water.
Brodie: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
T.S. Quint: Too bad I'm not trying to marry you.
 • Movie: Mallrats • Rating: Unrated • Permalink

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Brodie: There is something out there that can help us ease our simultanious double loss.
T.S. Quint: What? Ritual suicide?
Brodie: No, you idiot, the f**king mall!
T.S. Quint: I'd prefer ritual suicide.
Brodie: Oh come on man it'll be great. They have these new cookies at the cookie stand, you have to try 'em. They're awesome.
 • Movie: Mallrats • Rating: Unrated • Permalink

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T.S. Quint: Jesus, how much did you smoke?
Jay: All it took was a phat, chronic blunt. These guys were lightweights.
T.S. Quint: How much do I owe you?
Jay: My treat. As long as you promise that the next time you pop your old lady, you make her call you "Jay." Snootchie Bootchies.
T.S. Quint: Let's hope there is a next time.
 • Movie: Mallrats • Rating: Unrated • Permalink

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Brodie: You're giving up? You? You used to be stand-up guy, what happened to him? The guy who punched Amanda's gross-out mother after she called him "low class".
T.S. Quint: That wasn't me. It was you.
Brodie: Oh, yeah.
T.S. Quint: And it wasn't her mother, it was her grandmother.
Brodie: No wonder the bitch went down so fast.
 • Movie: Mallrats • Rating: Unrated • Permalink

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T.S. Quint: You should see yourself right now - a grown man with his hand down his pants.
Brodie: Yeah, I probably look like my old man.
 • Movie: Mallrats • Rating: Unrated • Permalink

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